A Viking shirt: The desire of my heart

"May he give you the desire of your heart, and make your plans succeed."  Psalm 20:4

"Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4

If you know me very well you know how much I love kids.  You also know that one of my heart's desire is to be a mother someday.  I am doing the bible study, Living Free by Beth Moore.  She writes "A stronghold is any argument or pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God."  She also writes, "A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our mind, pretending to be bigger or more powerful then our God."  The biggest stronghold I have in my life is believing that I will never be married and have kids.  I think I struggle with this stronghold because of past relationships with guys.  Most of my guy relationships are getting teased by them.  In my teens and early twenties I had very low self-esteem.  I believe this low self-esteem came from hearing the mean remarks these boys told me.  I also had some people in my life that were suppose to love me as family, who would tease me because of my cerebral palsy.  After hearing this most of my young life, I started to believe it. 


This set me up to believe I wasn't good enough.  Especially believing I wasn't good enough to be accepted by men.  This is were my stronghold of never being able to be married comes from.  To me, I believed no man wants to marry a girl with CP.   I thought CP was horrible disease.  This is another lie I told myself. 

Now that I am in my mid 30's, I am learning to believe God's truth.  Beth writes, " We become like the object of our focus."  In Philippians 3:14, Paul writes, "One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead." 

Sometimes I wonder what is ahead.  I'm not sure what God plan is for me and my desires, but I have to tell you a story about a promise.   Last week I went to Goodwill, I was looking at Halloween costumes and found a Minnesota Vikings shirt for a kid.  I thought I'll buy that for Reggie, but then God reminded me of a story.  A year ago, my friend's daughter, had her first birthday.  Tovah, was wearing the cutest dress.  It was white with lemons printed on it.  I told Kari, her mom, how much I loved that dress.  Kari told me that before she was married, she found that dress.  She was going to buy it for a baby shower, but fell in love with it.  Her mom suggested that Kari keep the dress for her children.  Kari thought this was a little crazy, since she wasn't even married.  But her mom insisted and kept it for Kari. 

In the book of Genesis, God promises Abram and Sarah a child.  The Lord appeared to Abraham and told him that Sarah would have child.  Abraham and Sarah were very old, so when Sarah heard this she laughed.  Genesis 18:19 says "Then I (the Lord) will do for Abraham all that I have promised."

The word promise stood out to me because just before I read  this I was reading the "Made to Crave" devotional about Compromise vs. Promise.  Lysa writes "We were made for more than compromise.  We were made for God's promise in every area our lives.  We were made for God's promise that leads to an abundant life."  We are not to compromise God's best. 

I am starting to believe God's best for me.  After I bought the Viking shirt, I felt the Lord remind me of Kari's story.  He was telling me to keep the shirt for my son.  I want to start believing God for a husband and kids.  I want to start forgetting the past and the old tapes set in my mind.  Beth writes that our minds are a battlefield.  I want to start believing God that He will give me the desires of my heart. I don't know if a husband and kids are part of His plan, but He is faithful!

"He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generation and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands."  Deut 7:9 

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These Sticks where Made for Walking

I am reading a book called Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeusrt.  I must admit I was really excited to read it after a few friends of mine told me about it.  What is the book about you ask, well I'll let the sub-title tell you, "Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food."  

I have to be honest, I haven't been reading it with my full undivided attrition when reading it.  I  get very easily distracted by TV, facebook, puzzles, and yes even food!  I have a history with food.  When my doctor told me I needed to lose weight and go on a diet, I cried.  I told him I love food, I love sweets!!  I think sweets are my go-to, when I am feeling lonely and depressed.   When I  felt like nobody wanted to hang out with me, sweets were my best friend!!  They were always there and available. 

Lysa writes, "I relied on food more than I relied on God. "  I can totally relate, I became a firm believer in Jesus around 2003.  During that time Jesus showed me that my cerebral pasly was a gift from Him.  I think for so many of my younger years I struggled with my CP, that I blanketed my struggle with food. I didn't see food as a big deal.  I also believed that I didn't think a lot of about calories and food intake, because I was burning so many calories in the pool.  In high school and my younger 20s I didn't need to think about food and exercise, because I was in the pool almost every day.

As I read Made to Crave," chapter 9 caught my undivided attention.  Just the title alone, caught my eye and made me turn off the TV, and go outside to read!!  Chapter 9:  But Exercise Makes Me Want to Cry."  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!!  I had to laugh at this title, this is how I feel about physical therapy!!  Growing up I had to do a lot of physical therapy, and still do.  I didn't always like it, because it made me feel different.  In middle school and in high school I had to do physical therapy instead of going to gym class.  My PT would come to school once a week to do PT with me, of course as a teenager this made me feel different and I didn't always want to do it.  I didn't really care about how I was walking, and I was in pretty good shape because of swim club.  Physical Therapy made me want to cry!!  Not because it was hard, (even though it was at times,) nor because it hurt, but because it made me feel different from my peers.

At the high school we did therapy in the carreer room, we would lock the door so people couldn't come in.  Ward, one of my PT, wanted me to use a cane.  He says it was because I was falling a lot.  He probably was right, but again it made me feel different and "Made me want to cry!!" I didn't use it as much as I should of.  

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God."  (1 Corthin 6:19)

As I am becoming older I am learning that I have to take care of my body.  Lysa writes, "But the Lord's strong caution is to 'give careful thought to your ways' and to make time to 'build the house' so that He may be honored."  I am learning that working out and doing PT is important to my health.  I have to consider my ways and take time to build my muscles so they will stay stronger as I age.  My PT told me that as I age I may have more joint and muscles issues then most people my age.  I also need to consider using my walking sticks.  My doctor and PT also told me that I should consider using my walking sticks more.  They don't want me to have the risk of falling.  I need to realize that my body is getting older and now there is a higher risk of falling.  In the past 3 years, I have injured myself more then I have in the past 30 years.  Lysa writes, "There are natural consequences for not taking care of our bodies."   I want to prevent those falls and  consequences as long as possible!  Three weeks ago I fell down some steps and bruised my ribs.  I'm still felling the consequences of that fall.

Again I have laugh, because chapter 10 of Made to Crave is, "It's Not Fair."  My poor parents heard this so many times when it came to me complaining about my CP.  My dad always use to say, "Brianne, life isn't fair!"   Isn't that the truth!   Lysa writes, "Saying 'it's not fair' has caused many girls to toss aside what she knows is right for the temporary thrill of whatever is that does seem fair."  Even know I want to say "It is not fair that I have to using walking sticks at 34 years old, or that I have to deal with muscle and joint pain at 34," I know that if I use them now it will beneficial as I age.  I am trying to use them more.  It may not be fair in the moment, but I have realize how much farther I can go and how less tired I become when I put down my pride and use them.  I also am learning that when I do use them, I walk so much straighter, which is the long run will prevent my body from breaking down faster! So I guess I need to "take caution to my ways, and build my house (muscles)."   I should consider the advice my doctor and PT give me because this is the only body I will have.  I need to continue exercises, do my PT, and take care of myself as long as I can.  I'm not sure what my body may do or not do, but I want to take care of what God has givin me even if it means using walking sticks at 34!

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I love sweets!  That made me cry to Dr. Paulson!  But he was so understanding!  Now I just need to get back in my routine!