#cutthebull Learning at a young age the hurt people, hurt people... But by the grace of God, I have overcome!!

The other day on facebook, I saw a video about bullying.  Kids with disabilities are twice a likely to be bullied then their peers.  I have been one of these statistics.   The Lord keeps asking me to be vulnerable so here I go...

As I said in a few other blogs, it was very hard growing up with a disability.  I just wanted to be "normal", like everyone else.  But from a very young age, I found out that I wasn't "normal."  I don't think children are born to be mean, I believe that they are taught.  The older I have gotten, and the longer I have walked with Jesus, I am learning that hurt people, hurt people.  I believe that the reason children and adults are bullies, is because there is something inside them that they don't know how to deal with it.  I was hurt by kids and adults.  They say, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  That is the biggest lie ever taught.  Words hurt, and words stay with you for many, many years. 

(Just as a side note, the people I am about to share about, are not anyone in my life anymore.  I share these stories, not for you to feel bad for me, but because God has asked to be vulnerable and to share about me being bullied!  I will not say their names, for their protection, but this is part of my story that has shaped who I am)

All dress up for Easter!! 

There has been people close to me that have said very hurtful words.  At a very young age I was told by these people that I was "retarded" and "stupid."  They made fun of the way I talked and the way I walked.  At that age I didn't understand why. They were suppose to love me.  Why these people were being so mean.  What did I do to be treated this way.  There must have been something wrong with me!!!  Sometimes they would get mad because I couldn't walk very far.  One time I was at the Rapid City mall with my mom, we saw one of them.  They asked why I was in a wheelchair.  We always got a wheelchair for me, so I would not get tired.  They told my mom's friend that there was no reason I should be in a wheelchair, that I could walk!!!! 
At this young age, I believe this was the start of my depression.  I would get very angry at my family, because I was being bullied in school and out of school.  I didn't know how to deal with my anger and being made fun of, so I took out on my family.

The bullying at school didn't really start till middle school.  (Which I know is a difficult age for anyone!)  But for me, this is were I really felt "different."  There was a group of boys that must of decided that I would become their target.  I was very quite in middle school.  I think I was just scared of what everyone thought of me.  I wanted friends, but had only a few.  I don't remember a lot of specifics from this time.  (Which is awesome!)  But just remember I was alone and different.  I do remember that my mom and teachers decided that it be better for me to not do PE, but that my PT would come to school during that time.  Again that was hard for me because, it made me feel different.

Hanging out with my twin sister, Brooke!!
 

I think the bullying continued in high school.  I would get made fun the way I talked, by these same boys.  I would get laughed at, and sometimes even tripped.  I remember my locker in high school was right next to one of the boys.  I always hated going to my locker if I saw him by it. 
I remember one time freshmen year, I was waiting for a senior girl for a ride to swim team.  As I was waiting, these boys thought it be funny to throw snowballs at me.  Of course, I didn't want to miss my ride, so I didn't go tell on them.  The next morning I got called into the principal's office.  He told me that some teachers saw these boys throwing snowballs at me, but he couldn't do anything because I didn't go tell him right away!! 

As I said in the beginning, I have learned that hurt people, hurt people.  These people that were bullying me were hurt.  At that time, I didn't know that and even though people told  me this, I didn't care!  All I cared about was that I was hurting!  God has really worked with me in viewing my disability as a blessing.   And learning to forgive the people that have hurt me.  It not easy, but I am learning that forgiveness is not for them, but for me!!




Brooke and me on the horses Grandpa made for us!



 

I love the story in Genesis 32:22-32.  It is the story of Jacob wrestling with God.  Jacob and "the man" wrestled till daybreak.  When the man saw that he wasn't going to win, he touched Jacob's hip.  Jacob told the man, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  The man blessed Jacob there.  "Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." 

I don't know if many of you know, but I almost died when I was born.  The nurse (Tom Blair) had to do CPR on me.  I believe God "touched" my life that day.  In Jacob story, God touched his hip.  The Message tells us that Jacob left Peniel limping, because of his hip.  I went away that day, April 15, 1981, limping (CP), because God touched me!!!
There more I want to say on forgiveness, but that may be for the next blog.  Till then...  God Bless.